Poll of a Billion Monkeys

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Nancy Pelosi Promises to Defund WOT in favor of WOTC

Marxed - Nancy Pelosi Promises to Defund WOT in favor of WOTC

By John Walker Goodbody
Missive News

Last updated: 1:45 PM
Tuesday, January 9, 2007

Today on Capital Hill Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has publicly promised to defund not only any possible troop surge that President Bush and his advisors might be considering dispatching to Iraq, but also has promised her local constituents that she intends to begin gradually defunding the larger War on Terror (WOT), no matter where the theatre of conflict.

We do not believe that the so-called WOT, or War on Terror, is truly vital to American interests, either here or abroad. We believe that we can best achieve strategic national interests with a more moderate philosophy and set of governing principles,” said Speaker Pelosi while delivering a regularly scheduled noon press conference given by house Democrats to the Washington Press Corp.

“The War on Terror is not vital to American interests nor is it a particularly good idea. The WOT, of which Iraq is the most disastrous and obvious example, is really more a macho-ideal spawned in an outmoded era of masculine values and sympathies. America has moved beyond that old paradigm and into the era of the feminine mystique,” said Senator Chuck Hagel who was asked to speak at the Democratic podium by invitation of Senator Ted Kennedy, Speaker Pelosi, and Barak Obama. “This new era,” continued Senator Hagel, “will be marked by bi-partisan cooperation on the issue of Iraq and the broader War on Terror. Meaning I now finally fully agree with myself.”

Speaker Pelosi then stepped forward again to reiterate the general theme of the press conference. “The WOT is an anachronism which should have never been undertaken in the first place. You do not win wars, nobody wins in a war. People suffer and I’m definitely against that. Therefore we have decided to begin defunding the War on Terror (WOT) starting with this very session of Congress and instead will be redirecting the monies saved towards the WOTC, or War on Tax Cuts. The War on Tax Cuts is a very vital component of America’s future interests and it will take a huge amount of government resources to be able to successfully wage this important war. The monies saved by refusing to engage in a global war on terrorism can then be reallocated towards fighting a pre-emptive and decisive WOTC. In order to win this War on Tax Cuts every American will have to do their part. More will need to be paid by every individual, we will have to defund the military in order to accumulate the resources necessary to prosecute this war, and in addition every American citizen, be she legal or illegal, may have to endure Wage and Income rationing. In order to offset the heavy price that must be paid by every American in order to win this multi-generational struggle the Democrats have made the Minimum Wage Increase our most important domestic goal, along with ethics reform of committee memberships and congressional offices, and pre-impeachment investigations.”

“So that the lower and working classes can afford to pay their fair share to fund the WOTC we will increase their minimum wage so that they can now pay higher taxes to fight the War on Tax Cuts. In the long run the Democrats must do what is in the very best interest of America. The American family must be paid more so that they can pay to fund the War on Tax Cuts, which will then of course allow them to pay more. Anyone who can’t understand that must be either an idiot or a Republican, or both. In the Democratic Party we want to fight a war that we can all feel really good about not understanding. It’s sort of like getting a Public Education - We want to be providers, not devisors.”

Near the end of the press conference it looked as if some of the other assembled Democrats might step to the microphone to state their own personal opinions on the WOT and WOTC, but they were quickly silenced when Speaker Pelosi fired off a look which was both stern and startled at the same time.

Cindy Sheehan also attempted to rush the microphone after heckling the press conference with a confused rendition of, “War, what is it good for…” but she was quickly and violently beaten back by Democratic operatives who seemed unable to recognize that she was, after all, one of them.

© JWG, Jr. 2007


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