Last Updated: 11/11/06
By Jallalabah Woohi din Gunga
For the Missing Missive
Nancy Pelosi, flush with recent electoral victories, and acting as the presumptive first female Speaker of the House, has secretly promised liberal campaign contributors to the Democratic party a “San Francisco Style” impeachment of President Bush.
Asked at the secret meeting exactly what that might mean Pelosi hinted that it might have something to do with WMDs, abused intelligence, chains, leather, and a probable deep House Probe.
“We’re thinking at this moment that the best course of action might involve three, or possibly four, men of gay marriage age named Chad, Thad, Tad, and Brad. It might also involve methamphetamines, a rub off by a Mexican coyote, and a tax increase on the wealthy,” future Speaker Pelosi said from the podium, speaking on condition of anonymity.
“The Republicans have been thoroughly humbled, now is the time to Dominatrix. President Bush can learn what it’s like to deal with a real woman for a change.” The crowd erupted in applause. Throwing off all of their clothes several members of the audience were then catapulted into the air via the Cirque du Soleil big tent carnival gun. “Hooray, we’re back, and we’re fabulous!” the crowd chanted.
When order was finally restored after the sheep and Cambodian monkey orgy Speaker-to-Be Pelosi continued, “We do not though, at this time, intend to remove President Bush from Office!” The crowd fell silent from the sudden, stunning, and unexpected revelation.
“Instead we intend to convert him to our more enlightened and well-groomed lifestyle. We’re partnering him up with Al Gore who has developed a special therapy which we believe can convert dismayed Red State men into open minded and personally experimental, big-city, globally warmed and toasty metrosexuals. If the therapy works then we intend to use abortion clinic stem cell lines to clone the treatment and ship it to North Korea and Iran as biological weapons loosed in their discothèques and pornographic missile silos,” Ms. Pelosi proclaimed.
“As you can see we’ve thought of everything and expect to have soon created a worldwide libertine Utopia free of misunderstanding, and to have doubled our UN blue ribbon commissions while simultaneously drawing down our troop deployments from Vietnam. I mean Iraq. We intend instead to make New Haven, British Columbia, and Baja, California the new fronts in the War on Terror. This is not a War to be won anymore, I’m not sure I even know what that means; this is a problem to be solved. And by solved I mean we need a new direction,” said Pelosi gesturing vaguely towards the dusky distance. “Somewhere out there is a War solution, and I’m determined to channel it.”
Several thousand members of the audience began to raise bangles to the air and cheer, “Four More Rears! Four More Rears!” Chad, Tad, Thad, and Brad were hastily rushed on stage with the Speaker.
Satisfied she had finally made her point the soon to be Speaker exited the stage quietly, seemingly unnoticed as a host of male escort dancers dressed in pink flamingo dresses burst from a confetti cake with lavender and gold icing which read, “Congrats Nan, Now You’re the Real Speaker of the House!”
When shown a video tape of the meeting Vice President Dick Cheney responded by saying, “I don’t know what in the hell she’s talking about. Everybody knows that if you go just about anywhere except in a Muslim country the woman is always the Real Speaker of the House. That’s just the way God made em. Nancy Pelosi will talk your ear off if you let her, just like that Lincoln Chafee chick. Anybody seen her lately by the way? Nevermind. Somebody get my 20 gauge girl gun, I’m going huntin for the Christmas recess.”
End Story
© JWG, Jr. 2006
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