Poll of a Billion Monkeys

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Theoretical Speculation Master Discovers New Internet Secret to Knowing Stuff

Marxed - Theoretical Speculation Master Discovers New Internet Secret to Knowing Stuff

Amazing new advance in internet technology makes thinking, experience, and facts obsolete.


Jeffery Wilbur Goathog
For the Missaleer

Last Updated: Thursday, 09 November 2006, 27:52 GMT

A humble British theorist straight from an amazingly successful public education has discovered the undisputed Secrets of the Universe. How was this amazing discovery made? Why on the Internet of course!

“The Secrets to the Universe were there all along, “ said this amazing switch route Savant, who stubbornly prefers to remain anonymous despite the fact that his discoveries could make him an instant millionaire and feted international celebrity. “All you have to do is take the entire body of knowledge contained on the internet, carefully research what you want to say, disregard any historical notion of veracity, real or imagined, extrapolate speculatively and extravagantly without any sort of idea of anything, then collate your conclusions, present your evidence gathered from internet sources as beyond dispute because you say so and because it is on the internet, and finally, and this is the most important step, declare your theory factual, ex post facto. Case Closed.”

“You see we’re developing entirely new forms of knowledge here, including Internet Science, Internet Religion, Internet Art, Internet Logic, Monkey See-Monkey Do, Virtually Virtual Know-How, Web Based Ethernet Capabilities Cloning, Hard Edged Infotainment, the Opinionyafact, and of course ‘New Speak’ where more precise and accurate self-created internet definitions replace all other forms of less viable language.”

“The old ways of knowing are dead,” continued the Master Speculator, or Theoretical Masterlator to use the more scientific term. “The new ways are better, more savvy and simple. You just relentlessly and continuously assemble more and more Internet sources and then regurgitate those sources back in an unstoppable stream of wantonness. I call this “Stream of Wantonness Consciousness.” No one could possibly know what you’re saying, including you, and that just makes it all the more real. This has never been done before in the history of human knowledge or experience. And I discovered it!! It’s absolutely proof-positive. Eat me bitches!”

A true Revolution in human thought and science this new “…way of knowing, devoid of any real experience, in which knowledge is cleverly borrowed from others is sure to cure cancer, reduce unsightly acne, eliminate crime, disprove God, solve a host of personal psychological problems, reverse genetic mutations, grow spare body parts from abortive stem cells, moderate reflexotardidness, get you more chicks, enhance self-esteem, abolish starvation and war, alleviate the need for European street marches and Muslim rioting, stop Global Warming, make instant geniuses of the publicly educated, eradicate typos, provide a viable alternate, pollution-free ‘self-sustaining and perpetual internet based energy system,’ and lead to a New Utopian era in which man recreates himself in his own image and thereby becomes perfect, omniscient, omnipotent and immortal. There, did I leave anything out?”

Indeed the Masterlator did not omit any of the more important achievements of his fascinating discovery. However I cannot help but personally comment that we are all awaiting with barely repressed enthusiasm this conclusive march towards human progress and all that is truly good in our own minds. But when can we actually expect the arrival of this new era of fabulous and finally realized potential? Being a journalist and full of the same sort of internet integrity as the Masterlator himself I fully understand my professional obligation to remain impassive, neutral, and objective as great events shape our world, but as a living, breathing primate I felt compelled to ask the really hard questions if only to ready myself, and you good reader and true believer, for this monumental and primal evolutionary achievement. So I asked.

“When, good sir, will all my problems be solved and when will I too bask in the glory of knowing the much coveted Secrets of the Life, the Universe, and Everything?”

“Why the answer is so simple,” replied the Master of the Motherboard, the Sage of All Servers, the Wizard of the Web. “Just do like I do and as soon as everyone’s like me then that’s exactly what you’re bound to get.”

So who could possibly successfully dispute such a fount of wisdom? The man obviously knows of what he speaks, he is, after all, on the Internet.

And now you know the rest of the story…

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