Poll of a Billion Monkeys

Monday, October 09, 2006



Jarod William Graham
For Missive News

Last updated: 7:05 AM
Monday, October 9, 2006

Late last night intelligence officials in Washington were warned by observational satellites and reconnaissance aircraft that it was possible, or even likely, that North Korea had tested and exploded a low-yield nuclear weapon. Such a weapon, if it were indeed nuclear in nature, would pose a grave threat to US security interests around the globe and could potentially threaten traditional US Allies such as Europe, Japan, Taiwan, Australia, and South Korea. In addition should the North Korean regime be able to export such nuclear technology then even North Korea’s traditional allies such as China and Russia could face the threat of nuclear blackmail from a rogue group, a terrorist agent, a potential coup attempt, or even an organized criminal group bent on extortion or financial gain.

Because of these dangerous and dire possibilities even nations normally seen as hostile to the United States or at least extremely competitive towards US interests have begun to unite with Washington for their own good to mobilize against the dark and looming threat of a nuclear North Korea. The idea of a nuclear armed North Korea which in addition has deployable, mass produced long range missile delivery systems has promoted swift and decisive action the world over.

France has agreed to immediately establish a commission to look into the idea of how to best counter the North Korean threat. According to the French Foreign Minister, acting in cooperation with the office of the French President, France is developing a plan of cooperation which will include devising highly punitive actions in the UN which will then be scuttled the day before such actions can actually be implemented. “France will,” in the words of the Foreign Ministry, “do our very best to convince the US and the rest of Europe that we mean business this time, and that we are the natural leaders of Europe. That we intend to crush this annoying little North Korean threat. Gullible nations such as Belgium, Austria, and many others will then follow us like sheep. The day before we are to take decisive action in the UN we will then shockingly neuter all possible real response by accumulating vetoes on the UN Security Council, including Chinese and Russian vetoes. Har! Har! Har! Then everyone will know once again why we in France call diplomacy the ‘true Art of France.’”

Canada too has pledged immediate aid to defend the West from possible North Korean threat by missiles and nuclear weapons. Canada has decided to launch a fleet of tugboats, not less than two, but not more than six, of their most modern tugboats to wherever they may be most needed. The tugboats currently sit in dry-dock awaiting orders on deployment. Said Canada’s Chief of Naval Operations, “We’re serious. You tell us where to go, we’ll get there eventually.”

A consortium of smaller European nations has decided to “worry indefinitely.” Asked by the press if they intended any other action the spokesman for the Green Party which heads this newly formed consortium replied, “Why, yes, we plan to pray to Mother Nature to help us all prevent littering, nuclear weapons, and global warming. Later in the year we also plan a Winter Solstice and Burning Man party and to march for human rights by burning down food factories. After that we all intend to get drunk, get high, turn on, and tune out. Plus, personally, I’m going to marry a goat from a nice Greek herd I’ve been looking at lately. Meeeowwwww!!

Islamic clerical leaders have decided to do their part, and in a rare show of Islamic unity both Sunni and Shia clerics have called for, “the immediate hanging of Pope Benedict, the expulsion of the United States from all Islamic lands, the eradication of Israel, and for direct one on one talks between the Great Satan Bush and the Little Satan Kim. If we can get them talking seriously then they won’t notice when we quadruple the number of homicide bombings in Baghdad.”

But without a doubt the most decisive and helpful action so far has occurred within the august body of the United Nations. The UN has formed no less than three committees to study the problem. These committees have been assigned to work closely with Syria, which now heads the Human Rights Commission of the UN, with Iran, which now heads the Anti-Terrorism Commission of the UN, and with Cambodia, which now heads the Efforts for International Democratization Office of the UN.

The UN is expected to offer their findings within six months and to then recommend the formation of an international commission which will chair an attempt to create a diplomatic initiative possibly leading to 12, 15 or 25 member talks. The exact number of participants and what could realistically be achieved, if anything, is still a matter for future debate.

However, not every nation agrees that immediate action needs to be considered. Venezuela has decided that the nuclear test by North Korea probably signals that Kim and his top government officials aren’t keeping warm enough during the winter months. Said Hugo Chavez, “It’s very hard to keep warm in the winter if your peasants aren’t working hard enough. So it’s just natural you have to go nuclear just to stay warm. The real problem is Bush and the United States. Bush and the United States are the real sources of every problem in the world. Therefore Venezuela has agreed to sell North Korea Citgo gas and oil at one-tenth the going market rate and to give away gas and heating oil to the poorer members of the North Korean government and military. Then if North Korea ever intends to repay the favor by helping with our future nuclear program I’ll listen. I’ve got big plans for all of South and Central America, and besides, I’m not going anywhere because I’m confident I’m going to be re-elected every single time I allow an election.”

Fidel Castro offered a post-mortem statement which read, in part; “We agree with El Presidente Chavez.”

Top government officials in Mexico, speaking on condition of anonymity told this reporter, “We’re not really concerned about North Korea developing nuclear weapons. Anything anyone can do to stick it to the Gringo, dat’s okay by us. Besides we don’t really have anything valuable enough for anyone to want to blow up. The only way we would ever be in danger is if North Korea gave nuclear weapons to Arab terrorists and those terrorists were trying to sneak those weapons into the US through our country. Then some clumsy Arab terrorist blows himself up prematurely like they do all the time in Palestine. But what are the odds of that happening? … Oh, God!! Somebody get me a phone and a line to Washington! Instante! Instante!!

Now the world waits to see exactly what can be learned about the situation in North Korea and what can realistically be done about the current state of affairs. It would be awfully embarrassing if the United Sates invaded and liberated North Korea, stopped starvation and tyrannical oppression, gave liberty and equality to the ordinary people of that nation, fed, sheltered, and helped educate the children and offered them a better and brighter future only to discover that North Korea had not yet truly developed viable weapons of mass destruction. Then the whole effort would have been a horrible historical waste.

© Missive News, 2006

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