Poll of a Billion Monkeys

Monday, December 11, 2006

New York Bans Fats From City Transportation System

Marxed - New York Bans Fats From City Transportation System

By Juan Wartina Garcia for the Missal
Last updated: 8:03 PM
Monday, December 11, 2006


In a bold move guaranteed to offend many the city of New York has decided to ban fat people from their public transportation system.

Anticipating legal challenges the city has nevertheless approved the ordinance that would bar the calorie challenged from gaining access to public transportation.

At a noon-time press conference outside of City Hall, New York City’s interim Chief of City Transportation Workers, the United 506 Stationaries declared, “We are quite serious in the efforts we are making. We feel that it is in the interest of all New Yorkers, as well as those using our transportation systems from out of town or out of state, to assure the most high quality and efficient experience possible. Public health and decorum demands that we enforce this new ordinance, and I do so gladly. Fat asses are no longer allowed in the jurisdictions of New York City, and they are no longer allowed to make use of our transportation networks. It is the considered opinion of our lawmakers that people of tremendous girth, and current systems of transportation do not mix very well and that our transportation systems are ill-prepared for the strain placed upon them by Whoppers, meaning the belly-boomers, and Whopper Jrs., the fat off-spring of these gargantuan people who never cease eating. America has a serious weight problem my friends, and here in New York City we’re doing something about it. New York has banned all trans-fats and I mean to see that ban properly enforced.”

When questioned further about the ban on trans-fats the Transportation Chief admitted he was unaware of the exact wording of the ordinance or exactly how broadly it might be applied. Nevertheless he insisted that he would apply the ordinance in the broadest possible sense. “If you’re too broad to get through our terminal doorway without use of the Jaws of Life, or you’re so broad that you require a Marine Armored Personnel Carrier as a personal mobility scooter then you’re too fat for the New York subway. Broad means broad and that’s the way I mean to look at it. Try walking more people and eating less whole mammals at a single meal and you should eventually be able to make use of our transportation hubs again. ‘Take a load off and we’ll take your load for you.’ That’s our new transport motto. But if you are a load unto yourself then you’d best haul it yourself, you’ll get no help from us.”

Asked if the City might be opening itself up for endless litigation a spokesman for Mayor Bloomberg released a statement which read, in part, “The City of New York has no business interfering in the private lifestyle choices of the citizens who live here. This is exactly why this ban was created, so that we no longer have any responsibility or liabilities in these matters. We leave it up to individuals by demanding that trans-fats be publicly eliminated. That’s the easiest way to resolve the matter, leave it up to the people to make their own choices and then ban those choices that are bad for them. That’s the way government should work.”

A precinct spokesman for the Police Dept. commenting on background and under condition of anonymity, said that he feared the ban could cause a rise in Black Market Transportation, which could eventually lead to serious problems with crime. “Suppose some Asian gang comes into town and decides they will exploit this situation? They bring in illegal transport slaves and force those slaves to ride these trans-fats around on their backs for practically nothing while the gang makes a killing as some poor little stick armed Cambodian woman is stuck hauling around seven hundred pound fat asses 24/7. We’ll see em dropping like flies in the summer time and who’s gonna have to clean up that mess? The Irish that’s who! Stinking Irish-men, if you ask me that’s who we should be banning. A man might not can help being lazy, shiftless, no-good, and weighing the same as a mini-CAT because he eats in the bed all the time, but at least he ain’t Irish! That’s off the record by the way. Don’t print that. I mean you can use the part about the Irish and the Asians and the fat asses, just don’t attach my name to it. I’m still on my green card and don’t want any heat from those gringos upstairs.”

A spokesman for the Behemoth Brotherhood, a non-profit, high consumption support group says that he feels the ban on trans-fats can be overturned in the courts by a reverse boycott. Asked what a reverse boycott might entail he said that it meant getting several thousand people who weighed six hundred pounds or more down to City Court and that he believed that would either tip the legal balance in their favor or tip the building on its side, thereby forcing the judiciary to reconsider the ban. Asked if he could gather several thousand people who weighed six hundred pounds or more for his reverse boycott he said that he had at least that many in his cream pie and sugar barrel exchange network. The trouble would be, he said, in being able to get all of them to make the six-mile trip to court without first becoming hopelessly diverted by the many doughnut shops and hot dog stands en route and thus forgetting the reason they had left the house in the first place.

This reporter however feels that he has not yet seen the tail end of this story. And if this story is as big as some of the parties I’ve interviewed for background research it may be a long time before the full girth of this weighty issue is entirely expounded.

© JWG, Jr. 2006


Anonymous said...

Haha! A little bit discriminatory don't you think? Though I won't deny it I do sometimes cast a dirty look at someone who occupies two seats on the subway. Especially, when I'm the one standing up. My suggestion would be not to ban them, but to charge twice those who are too huge to fit/ enter the turnstile. That I think would even help cut the MTA budget deficit. Another option is to install handrests just like what they have in London. If you're just too big for the seat you just have to stand. Might pose another problem though when one loses balance. Yikes! Don't want to be the one to get squished. I surely won't survive.

Jack said...

"A little bit discriminatory don't you think?"

It was not my intention to be obesive towards anyone. I was just trying to corpulate these rotund matters in the weighty fashion they so richly desired.

I homogenize profusely if I overstated the matter.