The Geek Manifesto!
A spectre is haunting the Internet -- the spectre of Digital Re-education. All the powers of the old Tech have entered into an unholy alliance to exorcise this spectre: Microsoft, Public Education, Labor Unions, The Major Telecoms, Dial-Up…
The history of all hitherto existing Social Networks is the history of lowbrow genius and vis-à-vis GUI sub-systems. But this morning marks a new day in the reshaping of yesterday for the good of the New Man, the Man of Tomorrow, the beacon of future generations. For this is the Manifesto of the Man of Discovery, the Wikipedia Man, the man who knows because he has read it on the Internet, the Critical Man, the Man of Deep Web, the Man of Computational and Data-based Netology, the Hope of Us All.
Therefore, we the Geeple, in order to form a more perfect union of concentrically aligned, interface-able communications and impersonal interpersonal Social Networks do ordain a New Order of the Information Age which shall consist of the following Universal Statements of Individuality:
1. I believe a person’s greatest, most important, and long lasting personal relationships will either blossom on-line or in a Massively Multiplayer Environment.
2. If it’s on the Internet it must be true.
3. My relative values were forged as hard and true as a polysilicate nanochip in the seething cauldron of the World of Role Playing games.
4. I believe in the underlying Chaos of all things. Therefore I see no reason to brush my teeth.
5. I don’t really know much at all about history, culture, politics, religion, warfare, society, sports, athletics, economics, the law, government, fashion, or females, but just ask me about data encryption techniques. Go ahead, just ask me. I dare you.
6. My interpersonal social networks consist of Digg, Slashdot, Reddit, Facebook, MySpace, Second Life, and of course, the World of Warcraft. This is because I understand that true human interaction works best as an algorithm.
7. Global Warming is real. I accidentally walked outside one day last summer and it was really, really hot. Since then I stay inside, near my computer screens where the radiation cannot harm me.
8. My multipurpose wireless device contains all of my most important personal and life-data, like my encrypted passwords.
9. I am not nearly as naïve and lonely as I am confident that I must be.
10. People are not nearly as interesting in person as they are when they are converted into game stats.
11. Multitasking is the very best way to achieve what is truly most important in life – a 65th level purple Elven Swordmaster with a set of green, high-top anti-gravity boots.
12. I am absolutely confident that before I die and am obliterated forever I will have finally successfully evolved into a creature capable of living by myself, in my own apartment.
13. Don’t ask me to do it; I just describe it to others in incomprehensible jargon that I learned on the Internet and scraped off of office bathroom urinal stalls.
14. I tink therefore I spam.
15. I do not believe in God, the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or other useless and imaginary cultural constructs, like sex with a woman. I do believe I am terrifically well liked and quite ingenious if enough people Digg Me.
16. Petty matters like appearance do not concern me. Hence the way I look and smell.
17. My concrete and erudite grasp of theoretical mathematics and complex programming languages makes me inwardly smug, intellectually superior, and socially retarded.
18. My haircut will always reflect a unique temporal time warp which terminates somewhere near the year 1977.
19. I will never reproduce, but if by accident or freak of nature I ever do, I will immediately repudiate the thought and try to talk her into aborting and donating the stem cells to an underground cloning project. That would be totally wicked cool!!!
20. I expect my chronological age at death to be 120 years, but my Real Age to still be 16.7. And the odds are stacked heavily in my favor.
21. I’ve learned everything I need to know about life by the time I’m 15. The rest of my life will be spent on the Internet discovering trivia and learning awesome new ways to entertain myself.
22. My life is entirely my own to enjoy. Because the girls are always with somebody else.
23. My bedroom is so cool that I intend to marry it one day when Congress finally gets off its ass and approves equal marriage protections for inanimate objects. After that I’ll never leave it again.
24. If you ever need to talk to me for some reason just make sure your security settings are low enough to allow my emails to get through.
25. I know far more about far less than most anyone else knows about that kind of thing.
26. People who Twitter aren't called Twits. They're Twitterites. Learn the jargon you Cro-Magnonese. Jargon is the most important part of any good communication. Sheesh.
27. MySpace is full of MyLies. Naturally I've got one.
28. Why use your real photograph on Facebook when there is so much good stock photography on the internet freely available?
29. I had a Second Life once and it was really exciting and adventurous. Exotic locations, fascinating people, danger, excitement, romance, profit. Important things happening. Then some Russian gave me a virus and I lot most of my data. It just wasn't worth it to reconstruct the whole virtual thing when that technology is already over three years old.
30. Social networking sites will change the future of getting laid. It is possibly the most important thing to happen in the history of the world. Next to the Playstation 3.
31. One day the internet will have evolved to the point that every detail of my life can be shared with everyone else at all times. I'm sure everyone else is as anxious for this day to arrive as I am.
32. I spend a lot of time on the internet consuming a huge amount of energy. I admit that. Which may not be all that good for Global Warming, but I think I off-set that with all of the carbon credits I generate by never breathing fresh air.
33. Nobody is quite so naive as he who gets all of his information just from television. That's why I get all of my information from G4 and the internet.
34. I made a total of $2.97 in my Paypal account off of my personal blog last year. I told everybody this was the future of commerce.
35. As a Geek I've learned a lot about economics off of the internet. That's also why I voted for Barack Obama. See how these things just seem to magically work out?
36. I know that Geekdom is the true path to personal fulfillment and a small, used, subcompact, electric car filled with toxic battery acid . My will be done.
© JWG, Jr. 2006
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