By Julius Dagonet Adair for the DisMissal
Last Updated: 4:10 PM
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Today former President Jimmy Carter met with several Palestinian leaders, including a member of Hamas. Following a brief and yet cordial embrace between the two men Hamas issued a press statement describing the meeting. “It was our pleasure to exchange mutual embraces of goodwill between ourselves and President Jimmy Carter. As most people around the world now know President Carter was the man truly elected in Florida, and unlike the criminal Bush, who has killed so many Palestinians and Iraqis, President Carter is the man who best represents the will of the American people. Like so many life-long Democrats President Carter understands foreign policy in a way few other types of people ever could.” The US State Department has declared Hamas to be a terrorist organization.
Carter expressed his many thanks for the warm reception he received by the Palestinian leaders and said that he was moving on to meet other leaders of Hamas when the opportunity presents itself later in the week. Speaking at an off-camera press conference arranged by Palestinian television Carter declared his appreciation. “Since arriving here I have been showered with wine, flowers, and chocolates. And they don’t even drink here. I feel like a real Queen of a Man.” Potential Democratic Candidate Hillary Clinton expressed interest in meeting with the leaders of Hamas only if she were promised in advance plentiful shots of rum, whiskey, and tequila. Barak Obama however announced his immediate desire to meet with any leaders of Hamas or any other terrorist group at the first available opportunity and with no restrictions on what is discussed. He did however say that he would ask any terrorist leader with whom he met if it was wise to cling to guns and religion because this was likely to alienate voters in more goat conscious desert and rural areas. “Nevertheless,” Obama continued, “I think most terrorists should continue to stubbornly stick to their previous positions so as not to lose advantage with their base. Al Qaeda means the base you know, and if you lose your base then how can you scare little white women walking down the street? It just isn’t possible. You’ve got to keep your Mojo for when it can do the most good.”
Carter seemed to agree with this assessment and while being questioned by American reporters he grabbed his crotch several times. At one point the room fell silent when an American reporter asked Carter how he felt meeting with a man who was accused of having been responsible for the murder of over two dozen American citizens? Carter responded by saying, “I didn’t see him kill anybody, did you see him kill anybody? It’s just like on the streets of Tupelo when they accuse the bearded man of doing all of the raping and killing and such without any real DNA evidence. We’ve got to stop all of this hatred of the bearded man. It’s just plain ignorant!”
Barak Obama released a statement saying that he understood the plight of the bearded man but that bearded men should not cling to their facial hair out of fear of the baby-faced Mexican. And Hillary Clinton, asked if she feared the bearded man said, “Emphatically not! I am not now nor have I ever been a bearded man. I just drink hard and shave often, that’s all. I think it’s elitist and condescending to say that just because a woman curses a lot and has many obvious masculine traits that she is someone for the electorate to fear. If anything I think I meld the best traits of my husband with the best traits of Paula Jones after the nose job. Any terrorist would love to bag me, of course, but they would also be very afraid to snipe at me. They know I’m not afraid to launch a missile or two.”
Later in the day President Carter stopped by for a taping of a popular Palestinian children’s television show. Carter was both entertained and amused as he watched a puppet show in which several Jewish soldiers were killed by a child puppet in an explosive vest, and puppet women lamented how Americans are causing them to starve while they grow fat off the blood of Iraqi babies. The show ended with several Fatah puppets being executed by firing squad and a rousing chorus of “Allah kill the thieves.”
After that Carter stepped outside to join a street riot already in progress, then finished off his schedule by firing an AK-47 in the air at passing Israelis predator drones, and neck-lacing and burning alive a Palestinian collaborator. Carter concluded his first day on the ground by calling for international observers to monitor the next election cycle, and for UN intervention in Jerusalem. “It’s time,” he said, “to give the city of peace back to the people by forcing the UN to take control of it.”
Asked what he would do for an encore Carter replied, “I’ve already thought of that. I’m going to fight my way into Gaza and tell the Jews, ‘Tear Down this Wall!’”
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